More than 90 percent of the managers and professionals in our effective listening workshops were more interested in improving communication at home than at work. While we spend thousands of dollars and years of our lives honing professional “soft skills,” we often treat our most important relationship as something that should just “work” automatically. Divorce statistics disguise the widespread desire for harmonious, satisfying relationships at home. If effective communication increases productivity and satisfaction on a job that will end in retirement, what might it do for relationships you want to last a lifetime?
The Communication Connection
In marriage, the ability to negotiate differences is the greatest predictor of success. However, you cannot negotiate effectively without a foundation of clear communication. Of the four most frequently stated reasons for divorce, couples cite poor communication as the number one problem. Interestingly, the other three reasons are almost always communication failures in disguise.
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Money Problems: These rarely spring from a simple lack of funds. They arise from the question, “How do we spend what we have?” When we don’t talk about our financial values—security versus freedom—every receipt becomes a point of contention.
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Parenting Stress: Disagreements regarding children are often rooted in a lack of a united front. Without a shared dialogue on how to handle discipline or boundaries, the children simply become the landscape where parents fight their own battles.
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Sexual Dysfunction: A physical relationship is communication at its most intimate level. When verbal safety disappears, physical connection often follows. Ineffective communication is almost always the silent partner in sexual dissatisfaction.
The Power of the Perspective Shift
“Seeing yourself through your partner’s eyes could work wonders,” suggests Samuel Schreiner, Jr. in his article, A Question That Can Save Marriages. Schreiner challenges couples to ask themselves one hauntingly honest question:
“What is it like to be married to me?”
As you answer this, you are forced to step out of your own “defense mode” and adopt your partner’s mindset. You begin to see, hear, and feel as your spouse does. You listen to your own tone of voice as if it were being directed at you. Schreiner cites incidents of dramatic change that took place when spouses realized how they truly appeared to the other person. Herein lies hope.
From Reflection to Resolution
This is where hope begins. By looking into the “Marriage Mirror,” you stop focusing on what your partner is doing wrong and start focusing on how you are being received. This isn’t about self-blame; it’s about clarity. Once you see the reflection clearly, you can begin to clean the glass.
The Marriage Mirror program is designed to give you the tools to bridge these gaps. We help you understand your unique communication style and provide the “polishing” techniques needed to dramatically improve the effectiveness of your connection.
The Marriage Mirror: Discussion Guide for Couples
1. The “Work vs. Home” Reflection
Do you give our “best selves” to your colleagues or clients and your “leftover energy” to each other? How can you protect some of that “best energy” for your time together?
2. The “What Is It Like?” Challenge
Samuel Schreiner’s question is: “What is it like to be married to me?” Without being self-critical, describe one thing about your communication style that you think might be difficult for your partner to navigate (e.g., “I know I get quiet when I’m stressed,” or “I tend to jump straight to fixing things”).
3. Identifying the “Root”
Money, kids, and intimacy are often just symptoms of communication issues. When you have a disagreement about one of these “Big Three,” do you think you are actually arguing about the topic, or are you arguing because you don’t feel heard or understood?
4. The Mirror Exercise
Think of a time recently when you communicated really well. What did that look like? How can you “mirror” that success the next time you have a difficult topic to discuss?
A Final Tip for Success:
If a discussion starts to feel heated, use the “Mirror Rule”: Before you respond to your partner, you must first summarize what they just said to their satisfaction. It ensures the mirror is clear before you add your own reflection.
