“There are no uninteresting subjects. There are only uninterested people.” — G.K. Chesterton
Here is a secret that will transform both your marriage and your career: People with the widest interests are the most successful, the most interesting, and the best listeners. In a marriage, “narrow interests” lead to repetitive arguments and a sense of being stuck. When you become genuinely interested in the subjects that matter to your spouse, you aren’t just “being nice”—you are expanding your own world and deepening your connection.
1. Expanding Your Shared Vocabulary
Linguistic studies show that the most successful individuals across all fields are those with the largest vocabularies. The average adult uses only about 400 words for 80 percent of their conversation.
Why does this matter for your marriage? Psycholinguists call the capacity for various solutions “Requisite Variety.” We think in categories, and categories are defined by words. The larger your shared vocabulary, the more “hooks” you have to hang your ideas on. When a couple grows their vocabulary together—through reading and deep listening—they gain a wider selection of solutions to marital problems. You move from “I’m just mad” to identifying specific feelings like undervalued, overwhelmed, or uninspired.
2. The Practice of Agape: Love as an Action
In the Greek language, Agape is the most profound form of love. It is not a “feeling” that happens to you; it is a love of doing. * Agape is doing for your spouse what they need. * When you listen to your partner talk about a hobby or a work problem that you find “boring,” you are practicing Agape.
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By acting in the best interest of the speaker, your feelings will frequently follow your actions.
Even if the subject never becomes your favorite, you have practiced a high form of love. You raise your spouse’s self-esteem by saying, “You are important to me; therefore, what is important to you is important to me.”
3. The “Value Moment” of Listening
Effective communicators realize that everyone—especially their spouse—is an expert in something they are not. Your partner has a “genius” that you can profit from if you become a constructively selfish listener. Lyman Steil suggests asking, “What’s in it for me?” to find the Value Moment of Listening. In marriage, the “value” isn’t just information; it’s the discovery of a new layer of your partner’s soul.
4. Real-World Turnarounds
We see the power of this in our workshops every day.
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The “New Car” Breakthrough: One husband stopped trying to “win” the argument about buying a new car and finally decided to simply listen to his wife’s objections. He discovered she wasn’t actually against the car; she was against being ignored. She only wanted a chance to express her opinion, to share her view, to be heard! Once she felt heard, she was happy to move forward with the purchase.
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The Limousine Lesson: After my communication workshop, an executive named Mary practiced “power listening” with an elderly driver she assumed had nothing to teach her. She used the skills she had practiced in the workshop in an attempt to draw him out. She asked the appropriate questions in the correct manner and used her “power listening” skills to direct the conversation toward what was of value. He told his stories as she listened. Days later, she received an arrangement of flowers from the limousine driver with this note: “Dear Mrs. B., thank you for giving me one of the most wonderful mornings of my life!” His gratitude later opened a major professional door for her company.
The Payoff: A Lifelong Dividend
Don’t expect a 100 percent “payoff” in every single conversation. However, the probability is high that you will lose more opportunities for intimacy by tuning out than you will lose time by listening.
Even when there is no immediate “result,” you are reaping four lifelong benefits:
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You raise your spouse’s self-esteem.
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You sharpen your own listening skills.
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You broaden your vocabulary and mental categories.
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You experience the peace of a truly “known” relationship.
As the Bible says, “Let everyone be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to be angry.” (James 1:19).
When was the last time you asked your spouse a question about a subject they love, just to watch them light up?
Genius Discovery Worksheet:
Every person is an expert in something you are not. Your spouse carries a “genius” that can enrich your life if you know how to look for it.
Part 1: Recognition
List three things your partner is “the expert” on in your household or relationship. (Example: “Navigating difficult family dynamics,” “The history of 80s rock,” or “Finding the best deals on travel.”)
Part 2: The “Value Moment” Inquiry
Pick one of the areas above and ask your spouse: “I’ve realized you’re really the expert on [Subject]. What is one thing about that which most people don’t understand?”
• Listen for: The “Value Moment”—a piece of information or a perspective that changes how you see the subject.
Part 3: Practicing Agape
Identify a subject your spouse loves that you usually “tune out.” Commit to asking one deep question about it this week and listening for five minutes without interrupting.
• The Goal: Not to become an expert, but to show your partner: “You are important to me, so your interests are important to me.”
